Count your Blessings

Sure we say things to people all the time, "You are in my prayers, I will pray for you, I will be sending good wishes your way, I hope you feel better."

Do we really mean it? Do we actually get down on our knees and talk to our father above and let him know we would really like some help for this person we love? Are we thinking good thoughts and wishing them their way? Do we even really "hope" they feel better? After those statements come from our lips do we think about them again until it is in our face and we have literally no choice?

This morning at 11:?? am My wonderful husband brought me breakfast in bed. He got up with the munchkins and made bacon and grits and muffins and he got them going and he let me sleep in and then he brought me breakfast in bed at a time he thought was long enough rest for me. How awesome is he? More than you can ever imagine. Then, I sat there in silence, alone eating my great perfectly prepared breakfast (grits are not easy to get the right consistancy--honest it takes lots of practice) and I began to cry. I thought about how much I love this man and our children and how much they love me. I thought about how I don't want to lose them and how I am not ready to live this world and leave them to face it without me. I thought of how I am my mom's only sane child and the only one who has given her grandchildren a stable home life and who has been stable for the most part. I thought of how it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I know without a doubt my in-laws love me and I do not want to leave them either.

In my tears I thought of the pain and suffering it will cause my family and friends to see me go through cancer and the treatments that follow. I thought of my heavenly father and how he does not give us more than we can handle and how sometimes I feel he has a horrible sense of humor or he is mistaking me for someone else. But I know he does not make mistakes. Just crying and crying and not able to stop. How stupid I felt. I have held it together all week. 4 days in the hospital, some horriboe and grossly violating tests, days away from my family, I was strong, but I did not cry. Yet, sitting here in peace and wonder I can not stop. I called my husband in the room and sat there and finally admitted that I am scared. I am truely scared. He comforted me and told me as usual that everything would be OK. And after several minutes and all of our kids rallying around us I was convinced I am here for a lot more of accomplishments and I aint giving up yet.

This afternoon I made a call to my in-laws to give them some good news we had gotten and my mother-in-law wanted to speak to me. She said she loved me and she knew everything was going to be OKay. She said they had prayed and that they asked specifically for me to be OK because my hubs and kids need me and I need them. She said this and I KNOW without a shadow of doubt she did it. She said she loves me and I KNOW she meant it. This is a woman who has been suffering for years from cancer that started on her cervix. She knows what the fear I am feeling right now is all about. She has lived it and won. So, far. Her numbers are higher than they want right now and she may have to go thru chemo again. She is the strongest woman I know and has been through sooo much and still was there for us and to be an example for us. I love this woman. I love my father-in-law too, but I have a new found bond with her that can never be taken away. She is my hero. I really hope she knows this.

Don't say things if you don't mean them. If you say you are my friend, mean it. If you say you love me, mean it. If you say you are going to pray for me, mean it. Don't waste another day making statements you do not mean. Mean them. Be a friend. Give someone hope. Be there!